When Equality Feels Like Loss: What Are We Teaching the Next Generation?

When Equality Feels Like Loss: What Are We Teaching the Next Generation?

As a mom of both daughters and sons, this stat alarmed me:

According to research highlighted by Women’s Agenda, nearly one in three teenage boys surveyed believes efforts to give women equal opportunities have gone too far.

My first reaction was concern. My second was curiosity.

Why?

Why would a teenage boy believe that someone else receiving an equal opportunity means something is being taken away from him?

And perhaps the more important question: What are we teaching our young people about equality? (My preferred term is equity but the research asked about equality.) 

For years, much of the conversation around gender equity has focused—appropriately—on opening doors that historically weren’t open to women.

But I wonder if somewhere along the way, we haven’t done enough to explain to boys and young men what their place is in that changing world.

If the message they hear is simply, “Men have had the advantage, and now things need to change,” it’s not difficult to imagine how some might translate that into:

There’s less room for me.

That’s not necessarily a reason to stop pursuing equality.

It’s a reason to have a better conversation.

Curiosity Before Judgment

It would be easy to look at these findings and conclude that teenage boys are becoming more misogynistic.

Maybe the more productive response is to ask what is shaping their beliefs.

What are they seeing online?

Who are they listening to?

What conversations are happening—or not happening—at home?

What messages are they receiving about masculinity?

And do they have places where they can ask uncomfortable questions without immediately being labeled or dismissed?

Those questions matter because when we stop being curious about why someone believes something, we lose one of our best opportunities to influence what they believe next.

Equality Isn’t a Pie

One of the most damaging assumptions in conversations about gender is the idea that opportunity is a zero-sum game.

If women gain, men must lose.

If we advocate for girls, we’re somehow against boys.

If we talk about challenges facing men, we’re abandoning the work of gender equity.

I don’t believe any of those things have to be true.

We can want our daughters to walk into workplaces where their ideas, leadership and potential are taken seriously.

And we can want our sons to believe there is a meaningful place for them in those same workplaces.

We can raise strong girls without teaching boys that strength is something they should fear.

And we can support boys without suggesting that women need to become smaller for them to succeed.

We can raise boys to say their feelings matter. Accordingly fear about losing out or the unknown is not founded on facts, and indeed a rising tide lifts all boats.

Equality isn’t about deciding who gets the bigger piece of the pie. It’s about questioning why we believe someone else has to lose before we can win.

The Adults in the Room Matter

Teenagers aren’t developing their ideas about gender in isolation.

They’re watching us.

They’re listening to how we talk about women and men.

They’re watching the way leaders behave.

They’re consuming algorithms filled with people who often benefit from convincing us that the world can be divided neatly into opposing teams.

Women versus men.

Feminists versus traditionalists.

Us versus them.

Nuance doesn’t generate nearly as much attention.

Curiosity doesn’t always go viral.

But curiosity might be exactly what we need.

Instead of telling a teenage boy, “You’re wrong for thinking that,” what if we occasionally started with:

“Tell me why you think that.”

Not because every belief deserves agreement.

It doesn’t.

But understanding where a belief comes from gives us a much better chance of challenging it.

That’s true with teenagers.

It’s also true in our workplaces, our families and our communities.

Maybe This Is the Conversation

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and writing about the role men can play in advancing women.

Increasingly, though, I think the bigger opportunity is helping all of us become more comfortable living in the middle of difficult conversations.

Not rushing to defend.

Not rushing to blame.

Not assuming that listening equals agreement.

But becoming curious enough to ask another question.

Because if a generation of boys is beginning to believe that equality for women means less opportunity for them, simply telling them they’re wrong probably isn’t going to change their minds.

We need to understand the story underneath that belief.

And then we need to offer a better one.

One where our daughters don’t have to shrink.

Our sons don’t have to feel threatened.

And opportunity isn’t something we protect from one another.

Maybe the goal isn’t raising boys who step aside so girls can succeed.

Maybe it’s raising young people who understand there is room for all of them to step forward.

That’s a conversation worth having.