Lean In, Get Pushed Back: Why Curiosity Matters More Than Ever

For more than a decade, women have been encouraged to "lean in."

Speak up. Take the stretch assignment. Ask for the promotion. Sit at the table.

Yet as a recent Forbes article points out, many ambitious women continue to encounter a frustrating reality: the more they lean in, the more pushback they sometimes receive. According to the article, and other research shows, women are often viewed differently than men when they display the same leadership behaviors. Assertiveness can be labeled as aggression. Confidence can be perceived as arrogance. Ambition can trigger discomfort rather than admiration.

I know this firsthand. My own father calls me intimidating when I describe myself as extremely curious and willing to ask the question.

If you've ever experienced this tension, you're not imagining it.

But I believe we're asking the wrong question.

The question isn't whether women should lean in.

The question is: Why are organizations still pushing back?

The Curiosity Gap

Throughout my research for Men-In-The-Middle, I discovered something that rarely gets discussed in conversations about gender equity.

Most people aren't actively opposed to equity.

They're uncertain about what it means to and for them.

They're confused; or rather, this uncertainly causes confusion about roles and expectations.

They're worried about saying the wrong thing.

They're trying to make sense of changes happening around them.

In other words, many people sit in the middle where it is perceived to be safe.

When organizations fail to create curiosity-driven conversations, assumptions fill the void.

People begin to interpret behaviors through old mental models and outdated stereotypes.

A confident man is seen as leadership material.

A confident woman is seen as "too much."

The behavior is identical.

The interpretation is different.

And interpretation is where curiosity should begin.

What Else Could Be True?

One of my favorite questions is simple:

What else could be true?

When a woman advocates for a promotion, what else could be true?

Instead of labeling her as ambitious, perhaps she's prepared.

Instead of viewing her as demanding, perhaps she's simply clear about her value.

Instead of questioning her motives, perhaps she's demonstrating exactly the kind of leadership initiative organizations claim they want.

Curiosity creates space between assumption and judgment.

That space is where growth happens.

The Hidden Cost of Pushback

When women consistently encounter resistance for leadership behaviors, organizations lose more than talent.

They lose ideas.

They lose innovation.

They lose perspectives that could help them navigate increasingly complex markets.

Perhaps most importantly, they teach future leaders a dangerous lesson:

"Don't fully show up."

I've spoken with countless women who learned to soften their opinions, minimize their achievements, or wait to be noticed rather than advocate for themselves.

That's not leadership development.

That's leadership suppression.

And organizations pay the price.

Why Men Matter in This Conversation

One of the reasons I wrote Men-In-The-Middle was because I saw a significant group missing from many gender equity conversations.

Men. This group occupies the majority of leadership positions in organizations. Men hold 80 percent of C-suite positions in corporations. This is a fact, not a judgement.

They are not the loudest voices when it comes to gender equity. This group also are not the vocal critics. They are in the middle on an issue that also impacts them; gender represents both male and female. In addition, equity is not a zero-sum game where one wins and one loses, but that is a reframing for another day.

Managers, peers, colleagues, and leaders who influence hiring decisions, promotion discussions, performance reviews, and daily workplace interactions.

Most of these individuals genuinely want fairness.

But many have never been invited into the conversation in a way that encourages learning instead of defensiveness.

Curiosity changes that.

Instead of asking:

"Why don't people get it?"

We can ask:

"What experiences, assumptions, or perspectives might be shaping their understanding?"

That's where momentum begins.

Beyond Leaning In

The future of workplace equity isn't simply asking women to lean in harder.

Many already are.

The challenge is creating cultures that don't push back when they do.

That requires leaders willing to examine assumptions.

Managers willing to question their own interpretations.

Organizations willing to look beyond intentions and examine outcomes.

Most of all, it requires curiosity.

Because when we become curious about why the same behavior is celebrated in one person and criticized in another, we begin to uncover the invisible barriers that still exist.

And once we can see them, we can change them.

The goal was never simply to help women lean in.

The goal is to create workplaces where everyone can step forward without being pushed back.

That's a conversation worth having.