The Confidence Gap Is Not a Women’s Problem - It’s a Workplace Conversation Problem

A recent Inc. article, “New Research Explains Why Women Undervalue Themselves at Work,” highlights something many women have experienced but have not always had the language to explain: the gap is not necessarily in skill, ambition, or readiness. The gap is often in confidence.

But even that word, confidence, can be misleading. Too often, when we talk about women and confidence, the implied message is: women need to fix themselves. Speak up more. Be bolder. Ask for the raise. Apply for the job. Charge more. Take up space. And yes, those actions matter. But what the research points to is something deeper. Women are not simply waking up one day and deciding to undervalue themselves. Many have absorbed years of subtle messages about how to behave, how much to ask for, how visible to be, and how much certainty they need before stepping forward.

There is a difference between feedback to improve performance and unspoken assumptions about what constitutes successful behavior.  I have experienced a number of these messages myself: too much energy, smile more but not too much, speak up but not too much, be firm but not too intimidating and the list goes on.

These messages are not necessarily personal flaws. It is a pattern based on assumed, unspoken expectations. `And patterns are exactly where workplace culture, leadership, and communication come in.

In my book, Men-in-the-Middle: Conversations to Gain Momentum with Gender Equity’s Silent Majority, I focus on the men and leaders who often sit in the middle of gender equity conversations. They may not see themselves as opponents of progress. Many are supportive, well-intentioned, and even quietly frustrated by inequity. But they do not always know what to say, what to notice, or how to help move the conversation forward. And even more so, they don’t have to say anything as the system was designed for “their good.” This is not a criticism of men, it is just a fact how workplaces started.

This article is a perfect example of where “the middle” matters.

Because when women undervalue themselves, the solution cannot be only: “Women, be more confident.”

The better question is: What are the conversations, systems, and leadership behaviors that either reinforce self-doubt or interrupt it?

When promotion criteria are vague, stereotypes have more room to operate. When leadership potential is defined by who speaks the loudest, confidence gets confused with competence. When people are rewarded for self-promotion more than substance, some talented people will opt out before they are ever considered in. And when a woman hesitates, the people around her may misread that hesitation as a lack of ambition rather than a learned response to unclear expectations.

This is where curiosity becomes powerful.

Instead of assuming, leaders can ask:

What would make this opportunity feel clearer?

What evidence do we have of this person’s readiness?

Who is not putting themselves forward, and why?

Are we relying on self-nomination when we should also be looking for demonstrated contribution?

Who needs a nudge, a sponsor, or a more specific invitation?

One line in the article especially stood out to me: when someone in a woman’s corner says, “You should apply for this,” women often do.

That sentence is simple, but it is not small.

It reminds us that confidence is not built in isolation. Confidence is often relational. It grows when someone sees your ability before you fully see it yourself. It grows when a manager names your impact. It grows when a colleague says, “Your work is worth more than that.” It grows when a sponsor says, “I am putting your name forward.”

For men in the middle, this is an important invitation.

You do not have to have all the answers to be part of the solution. You do not have to be perfect in the language of gender equity. But you can get curious. You can notice who is underestimating themselves. You can ask better questions. You can make criteria clearer. You can advocate in rooms where someone else is not present. You can say, “Have we considered her?” You can say, “She is ready.” You can say, “Let’s not confuse humility with lack of leadership.”

The confidence gap is not just about women needing to believe more in themselves.

It is about workplaces examining what they reward, what they overlook, and whose potential they require to be self-declared before it is recognized.

Gender equity gains momentum not only through big programs and bold statements, but through everyday conversations that shift what people believe is possible.

Sometimes the most powerful equity move is not a policy.

Sometimes it is a sentence:

“You should apply.”

“You are ready.”

“Your work is worth more.”

“Let’s make the criteria clear.” (ahh,  you had me at the word clear; the state of clarity, one of my favorite spots to be)

“Tell me what you need to step forward.”

That is where curiosity becomes action. And that is where the middle can help move the momentum.