We Prepared Women for Opportunity. Did We Prepare Men for Partnership?

A recent Psychology Today article asks a question that lands squarely in the middle of today’s gender equity conversation: Did we prepare men for modern millennial marriages? The article argues that many millennial couples believe in equality, but are struggling with the practical, emotional, and invisible work required to live it every day.

That distinction matters.

Because believing in equality is not the same thing as knowing how to practice it.

The research shows that many men are not opposed to shared parenting, dual careers, emotional intimacy, or household partnership. In fact, according to Pew Research cited in the article, 72% of millennials said the most satisfying marriage is one where both partners work and both share household and childcare responsibilities.

And yet, many women are still carrying the invisible load: noticing what needs to be done, anticipating everyone’s needs, scheduling the appointments, packing the diaper bag, buying the gifts, planning the holidays, tracking school deadlines, and managing the emotional temperature of the family.

This is where the conversation gets uncomfortable—but also useful.

For decades, we told girls they could be anything. We encouraged women to pursue education, careers, leadership, financial independence, and ambition. That was necessary and hard-won progress. But we were less intentional about teaching boys what women’s expanded opportunities would require of them.

We told women to step forward.

But did we teach men how to step in?

That is the gap.

And it is not just a marriage gap. It is a leadership gap, a workplace gap, a parenting gap, and a communication gap.

Pew Research also has shown that millennials have approached family life differently than previous generations. In 2019, only 44% of millennials were married, compared with 53% of Gen Xers, 61% of Boomers, and 81% of Silent Generation adults at comparable ages. Millennials are also marrying later and forming families differently than previous generations.

So, when millennials do marry, many are bringing higher expectations into the relationship. They want partnership, friendship, shared ambition, emotional connection, and equality—not just in theory, but in the daily details of life.

That is where the work begins.

This is also why I wrote Men-in-the-Middle.

The gender equity conversation often focuses on women: how women need to advocate, negotiate, lead, ask, push, speak up, lean in, and keep going. Those messages have value. But they are incomplete.

We cannot build an inclusive culture—at home, at work, or in society—if we exclude half the population from the conversation. Male is a gender too.

And many men are not actively resisting progress. I say this not pretending to know men as I am not one, but as someone who interviewed men, heard their stories and backed these findings with secondary research. When it comes to gender equity, men are in the middle; they are unsure what is expected, afraid of saying the wrong thing, tired of being blamed, or unaware of what they were never taught to see. What keeps men in this spot? They don’t have to speak up because it is not an expectation to date.

Men hold the majority of C-suite positions in corporate America. Men have an influence on policy and decision making on issues that will benefit them too, from worklife balance to family leave.

That does not excuse inaction. But it does explain why judgment alone rarely creates growth.

Curiosity does.

Instead of asking, “Why don’t men get it?” we might ask:

What were boys taught to notice?

What were girls expected to carry?

What did men see their mothers do that their fathers never had to name?

What skills did we call “natural” in women but never intentionally build in men?

What would change if we treated partnership as a learned competency rather than a personality trait?

The Psychology Today article makes an important point: many men saw household management modeled by their mothers, not necessarily their fathers. They may have observed the work, but they were not always expected to practice it, own it, or anticipate it.

That is the invisible apprenticeship many girls received and many boys missed.

And here is the good news: what was not taught can still be learned.

Men can learn to notice.

Men can learn to anticipate.

Men can learn to emotionally support ambition, not just admire it from a distance.

Men can learn that being a good partner is not “helping” with someone else’s responsibilities. It is sharing ownership of a life built together.  (In my house, there is an outpouring of love, affection and adoration when I see “my man” with his sleeves pushed up and he elbow deep in dish soap after an evening meal.)

For this learning to happen, we need better conversations. God made men and women differently, and, yet, no less valuable that one or the other.

That is the heart of Men-in-the-Middle: creating space for honest, curious, bridge-building conversations that invite men into gender equity rather than pushing them to the sidelines. Progress accelerates when we stop treating men as the problem and start inviting them to become part of the solution.

This does not mean women should lower their expectations. It means we should raise the level of the conversation.

In marriages, that may sound like: “I need you to own this with me, not wait for me to manage it.” For help, read Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play for a gamified way to approach household and family duties between a couple.

In workplaces, it may sound like: “Who is carrying the invisible labor on this team?”

In families raising the next generation, it may sound like: “Are we teaching our sons to anticipate needs the same way we teach our daughters?”

Modern partnership requires modern preparation.

If we want women to thrive in their careers, men must be equipped to thrive as partners, parents, caregivers, colleagues, and allies. Not as heroes. Not as helpers. As fully engaged participants.

The future of gender equity will not be built by women carrying more.

It will be built by all of us learning to carry differently, in a way that benefits both men and women.

And that begins with curiosity.